Change of Venue

Midnight Rant

2007-02-24T08:07:00.000-10:00

Or, The Story of How I Didn't Get Ketchup or a Keyboard

Earlier this evening I accidently dropped my keyboard onto a glass of water. Everything seemed fine for a while, but then it spontaniously stopped working like an hour later.

So it typed this passage:
abcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyzABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZThe quick brown fox jumped over the lazy dog.Mother fucking why did I leave the water so close to keyboard?

As:
aqbv,cdkefgfhijhk.lmnmnop/qrxstubvw2xsyz\AQBV,CDKEFGFHIJHK.LMNMNOP/QRXSTUBVW2XSYZ\The qui,ck brow2mn foxs jhumnp/edk obver the .laqz\y dkogf.lMNother fu,ckimngf w2hy dkidk I .leaqbve the w2aqter xso ,c.loxse to the keybvoaqrdkP?

So obviously that was not going to do, and I immediately embarked for Walmart.

I had recently seen a cordless mouse/cordless keyboard set at Walmart for $15. I paid $30 for the simmilar one I have now, so at the time I considered buying a backup set. Then I told myself, "Yeah, why don't you just buy an entire Walmart and keep that in the basement for backup, you lazy lazy whore." So I didn't buy it then.

But I need it now. So I drove to Walmart.

When the fucking fuck did fucking Walmart stop being fucking 24 hours?

Apparently it now closes at Midnight. I was at the door at 12:02. Fuck.

Well I was out so I went to McDonalds. Which should have cheered me up, but they got my order wrong. Okay, they had a point. I didn't "need" a large. But I did need the ketchup I asked you for, you bumbling incompetents.

Now I have appropriated the keyboard from the family computer. Maybe by morning the old one will have dried out.

EDIT:

I had to bring the big ketchup bottle in here because Maccas didn't give me any. And my mom saw.

She said, "Are you sleeping with the ketchup tonight?"

I said, "Yes mom, I didn't know I had to ask before I had a guest in my bed. Ketchup and I are going to be intimate tonight. But don't worry. You don't have to make Ketchup pancakes tomorrow."

EDIT:
Upon reflection: here is what happened...I got tired and Robert Goulet fucked with my stuff--
you can see him do it!

(http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wY0PFhHVC94 )

That's Ok, Mr. Wang

2006-12-04T11:18:00.000-10:00

I was mildly hit by a car today.

I was headed north on University Avenue in the bike lane, and Mr. Wang was exiting H1. He mildly hit me with his Nissan.

I had the right-of-way, obviously, and I remember thinking, "Wow. It's taking him a while to see me," and then I screamed, because I was being mildly struck by Mr. Wang in his Nissan.

I don't remember falling over or standing up, but when I got onto the sidewalk my left hand was dirty. So I think I must have.

Mr. Wang pulled over, and asked if I was alright; he offered to call an ambulance.

"No, thank you. I'm fine. You hardly hit me at all; I'm just frightened."

"I'm so sorry, I didn't see you. I don't know..." He tapped his head to indicate that problem most likely stemmed from that region. "Can I buy you a cup of coffee?"

I reached out and shook his hand. "I have to go to work. Don't worry, I'm perfectly fine." I was still visibly shaken; breathing heavily. I kept putting my right hand on my heart.

"I'm so sorry, I didn't see you. I was looking behind, for cars." He tapped his head again, and again I reassured him. This continued for enough iterations for me to become frustrated with myself for being so polite.

He asked me if I wanted his phone number, and I said it couldn't hurt. "If anything is wrong, you will please call." He told me the number, and I asked for his first name. I said that specificly, "What's your first name?"

"My last name is Wang. It's easier to remember."

I told Mr. Wang not to worry, and to have a nice day, and he nodded skeptically. He seemed as disturbed by my overly-polite reaction as I was.

Hard to Generate Content.

2006-11-27T16:19:00.000-10:00

Since my recent transformation from normal person to obsessive fangirl, I have found it very difficult to generate content that would appeal to the broad mass of people (read: Michael and maybe Hester sometimes).

Lately I've been doing nothing but my whole fangirl thing and furitive LSAT prep. It's a boring life.

All New Me

2006-11-24T20:12:00.000-10:00

A long time ago I heard or read somewhere that everyone's personality is a compilation of the five people they spend the most time with. I've always thought that was so true. When someone moves away, or I meet someone new it is so short a time until I notice I've changed substantively.

I've changed jobs, and I have made a new friend, so I've changed a lot recently. And soon I'll be moving across the country so the five people I spend time with are going to drasticly and suddenly change. Major shake up.

I'll still be me mostly. So far I love the new me. We'll see.

So, ok. I've been neglecting this blog. I've become pretty obsessed with a couple other things at the mo. Life is busy. I wish I could skip over the next few weeks and get the good bit.

The First Step Is Admitting You Have a Problem

2006-10-24T23:13:00.000-10:00

My name is Beth, and I'm a House-aholic. ("Hi Beth.")

I have watched the Season 1 and 2 DVDs back to back to back, sometimes missing sleep, and read the season three transcripts and read a bunch of fanfic...

This is my cry for help. Someone stop me before I stop myself!

Mmm...Dreamy blue eyes, so deliciously strict, but fair. Why won't Cameron date him, why! Foolish girl.

Embryonic Omelet

2006-10-21T09:37:00.000-10:00

Wow, something like the following article will really shake up one's sense of right and wrong.

Summary: In the face of restrictions on destroying embryos, scientists have developed away to harvest the cells they need WITH OUT destroying the embryo. One cell is removed, divides divides divides, the rest of the embryo grows up to write the great American novel, or cure cancer.

This is a great innovation, you have to love it. But, you can't make an omelet like this unless you're willing to break a few embryos. Further, it wouldn't have come about if not for the federal limit on funding that harms embryos. It's just easier for them to destroy the embryo than to develop a costly way of not harming embryos. Someone asked me what I think about embryonic stem cell research a while back, and I conclude:

We should never do any research that harms a human life.
We should definitely do research that harms human life if it will save many more lives than harms
We should not put morally relativistic limits on federal research money
We should definitely put morally relativistic limits on federal research money
We should not use federal funds for scientific research
We should definitely use federal funds for scientific research

These kinds of things are exactly why I'd never want to be a doctor, politician, or judge. I don't want to be in charge of deciding these things...And further I wish no one ever had to.

August 23
Scientists Harvest Stem Cells Without Destroying Embryo

Breakthrough technique might get around moral issues, experts say

By Amanda Gardner, HealthDay Reporter
More on this in Health & Fitness
Doctors Renew Warning on Asthma Drugs
Health Highlights: Aug. 23, 2006
Clinical Trials Update: Aug. 23, 2006
Today's Health News
WEDNESDAY, Aug. 23 (HealthDay News) -- In what could prove to be a medical milestone, researchers have succeeded in generating new lines of human embryonic stem cells without destroying the embryo.
The breakthrough may enable scientists to circumvent the ban on federal funding of stem cell research, paving the way for gains in treating or curing diseases such as diabetes, spinal injury and Alzheimer's disease.
"The whole goal of this is to increase the number of stem cell lines available for federal funding and give the field a badly needed jump-start," said Dr. Robert Lanza, senior author of a paper appearing in the Aug. 24 issue of Nature and medical director of Advanced Cell Technology in Worcester, Mass.
Lanza was cautiously optimistic, although he said the final say on whether this strategy could widen U.S. embryonic stem cell research depends on politicians, not scientists.
"The approach described here does not involve the destruction of an embryo, nor does the biopsied cell ever develop into an embryo at any point. Therefore, we hope this method can be used to increase the number of stem cell lines available for federal funding - and thus give the field a badly needed jump-start," Lanza said. "But I guess we'll have to see what the President and Congress have to say about it all."
The promise of embryonic stem cells lies in their ability to be "pluripotent," and develop into any cell type in the body. Experts envision a future where stem cells might help replace diseased or injured tissue, thereby treating a host of ailments.
However, many object to the destruction of embryos inherent in this research. For that reason, embryonic stem cell research in the United States has been severely restricted since Aug. 9, 2001, when President Bush placed limits on federal funding of the field. As of that date, federal funds could only be used to study stem cell lines derived from embryos that had been already been destroyed before the limit was set.
This has turned out to be fewer lines than originally thought, and even fewer high-quality lines.
And while some state and private money has emerged to fill the gap in research funding, experts say it's not been nearly enough. Most scientists agree that federal resources are needed if any credible research gains are to take place.
So far, scientists have obtained embryonic stem cells by taking groups of cells from early embryos before they implant in the uterus. However, this process involves the destruction of the embryo.
Lanza's new paper improves on research his team did last year. In that study, the Massachusetts group succeeded in cultivating mouse embryonic stem cell lines by removing just one cell from the mouse embryo. The procedure is similar to that used for pre-implantation genetic diagnosis, used to check for genetic disorders during in vitro fertilization (IVF). In this case, the mouse embryos survived.
But then, a roadblock. "We tried to apply that to a human system and found that it does not work," Lanza said. "We had to work out a different technique and initially we weren't sure that it was going to work. It was pretty tough. Eventually it worked like a charm."
Here's how. According to Lanza, the new research involved 16 human embryos left over from IVF.
"We used a single-cell biopsy technique to pluck out one cell when the embryo was at the 8-to-10-cell stage," Lanza explained. This is the same stage used for pre-implantation genetic diagnosis. Excising a cell at this point doesn't interfere with the embryo's development, the scientist explained.
However, the cells apparently do not like being co-cultured alone, so they were put into a dish with other cells. This technique worked to keep them alive.
Using this method, Lanza and his team managed to get two stable human embryonic stem cell lines that behaved like conventional embryonic stem cell lines.
"They've now been growing for over eight months, are entirely normal genetically and they were able to generate all of the cell types of the body," Lanza said.
"The real importance of this is the potential that you could have embryonic stem cell lines that are pluripotent from embryos that aren't destroyed," said Paul Sanberg, director of the Center for Aging and Brain Repair at the University of South Florida College of Medicine in Tampa. "If these cell lines were allowed, it could help enhance embryonic stem cell research."
Lanza's company will be working with the scientific community to make the stem cell lines widely available.
"With the right resources, we could recreate as many lines as the scientific community needs without harming the embryos and help other researchers develop the technique," Lanza said. "We could move very quickly."
Next year, he said, Advanced Cell Technology will be filing an investigational new drug application aimed at the eye condition known as macular degeneration.
More information
To learn more about stem cells and stem cell research, head to the International Society for Stem Cell Research.

Bitter Much?

2006-10-19T19:24:00.000-10:00

Is Chemistry Grad School For You?

It's application season, and I'm sure many a young whipper-snapper is typing "should I go to chem grad school?" into google. If you arrived here by such a search, good news! I have the answers you're looking for.

In a word, no. No, no. Definitely not. Aren't you smart for asking. I certainly never did.

Can't Live Up to the Hype

2006-09-27T23:29:00.000-10:00

Okay, so this is the hundreth post. Big fucking deal. I'm tired of not being able to post anything just because it's unworthy of being post 100.

How To Use Your Own MP3 for Your Ringtone: Motorola V360

2006-09-18T22:44:00.000-10:00

I have been looking for a way to do this for a while now, and I finally found it tonight on cnet. I reproduce the instructions here, for no other reason but to find them myself later when I forget. But you could use them to. I guess. Thank you cassiopeia88.

1. Prepare your MP3 ringtone using WavePad or simmilar software. Bitrate must be <192.
2. Using the USB adaptor or the microSD card, place the MP3 in your Mobile>Audio folder.
3. In the phone, go to Menu>Fun & Apps >Sounds>Menu>Switch Storage Device>Card. This is a list of the audio files you've stored to the card.
4. Highlight the file of interest and select Menu>Move>Phone.

Now the file will be displayed in the ringtones list.

I made the opening of Cake's Never There my ringtone, but it was disappointing...you can't here the background sound of the track: a dialtone.

Prediction: In a Short Time, NBC Will Be the Number One Network

2006-09-13T02:43:00.000-10:00

I just caught the pilot for NBC's new Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip. (Thank you Netflix. Since when do you have pilots?) It is so good, I don't know how to tell you.

Bradley and Matt play a writer/director team that are the most lovable fuck-ups. Like Amanda Peet, I want to take them to Cabo. This show is the perfect blend of compelling, fascinating, and funny-as-hell.

Alan Sorkin says, "I like going behind the scenes of things..." The photography of the show is awesome: it seems you are walking along back stage behind the cast, party to their insider secrets.

Don't miss. Five Stars.

Update: You lucky sons of bitches. I just found you the pilot free and legal on the internets.

Always and Forever.

2006-08-31T22:47:00.000-10:00

I love technology! What took me so long to get a mobile? So this post is live via motorola - even though the keyboard is right there and my thumb is cramping. Because I can. This is post 97...get ready for Centi-post.

Go Johnnies!

2006-08-31T21:50:00.000-10:00

Johnny Walker Red.

Always the Last to Know

2006-08-25T14:15:00.000-10:00

According to Facebook Chris has a lady type. Surprize surprize. This is just* the sort of photo J.I. would have gotten from me. Obviously we must await further evidence: this photo may have been doctored. It has a dream-like quality that makes one think, "Yeah. In his dreams."

Update: Amy has added me as her facebook friend, providing me with access to a scandalous amount of data** on her, as well as a shocking 235 photos. I feel stalkerish now...I hear the Charlene (I'm Right Behind You) song. I guess it's ok as long as she knows I read that stuff. And I haven't started driving by her dorm. Yet.

*Like, if his lady type hadn't fired me.

**From the pedestrian-yet-odd-that-I-know-that (favorite TV = Family Guy, calls it "soda" not "pop") to the flat-out-creepy (address, mobile phone number).

Reactions to "Crossed Over"

2006-08-25T01:17:00.000-10:00

Here's how you responded to the news I was getting a cell phone:

"I support cell phones. They allow me to contact people."
--Chris

"What made you decide to do that?"
--April

"Yay!"
--Hester

"It's about fucking time!...I mean...sorry."
--Gideon

"Ok."
--Dad

Things Are Going to Start Happening to Me Now.

2006-08-23T18:57:00.000-10:00

I am now fully indexed by google...up to ca. August 18. ~~Now if someone types into google 'start the moped' I'm the third hit!~~ I swear someone was able to do that at some point. How 'bout this: ~~I'm the only* hit for "Mortal Enemy Sweepstakes."~~ Oh, fuck Google. They can't be bothered to remember me.

*you need the quotation marks.

Updated Voting Instructions

2006-08-23T00:16:00.000-10:00

Heroes: vote for Stephen!

I've crossed over.

2006-08-22T23:48:00.000-10:00

Ug.

Since traumaticly learning last night that my living situation does not come with phone service, I have ordered a cellular phone. Now I'm one of you people. The hilarious side of this development is that April and I have been discussing ways to save money. I read an article today on msn about how to cut spending, and I was despondant because it seemed I was already living the cheapest possible lifestyle. (Suggests: getting a roommate, getting rid of your car and cell phone, canceling your cable and internet...I have none of these things. At least...I pirate them, so they're cheap as free.) Now I'm doing the opposite and adding a monthly HUGE bill.

Oh well. At least I get something shiny.

Blogging Project Runway: From The Mailbox

2006-08-22T19:20:00.000-10:00

Blogging Project Runway: From The Mailbox

Oh my, I'm famous!

2006-08-22T00:42:00.000-10:00

Olde English Project Runway

Tingly

2006-08-18T18:07:00.000-10:00

I've had a lot of coffe today and I feel tingly.

Today is an Hawaiian state holiday. We still work, but there's a holiday atmosphere and it's a lot of fun. April lent me her car to go get McGriddles today and I surprized her with a tank of gas.

Danielle, Jesse's British wife, might join our group. This is exciting news for me, as I am anxious to groom up a replacement friend--April will graduate within one year. Danielle is a perfect candidate: female, plays poker, owns a car. The down side is she keeps asking me if she should join the group, and I find that answering in my best interest may be morally questionable. At least so far I'm being honest: "I think you should join. You have a car and April is graduating soon. I need to groom you up to replace her as my best friend in the group." Poor Danielle. It's the only good group in the islands, and she will have to live here to be with Jesse.

At any rate, she will have her desk in my lab until she chooses and advisor, and I hooked her up with the best spot: right next to me. It's Paul Bunyan's* old desk, so the bar is set high for her is she should join the group. The way the boss talks about him, he was the largest lumberjack this group has ever seen.

*Paul's last name has been changed for comedy's sake.

I Wanna Start Some Shit.

2006-08-17T16:34:00.000-10:00

I know exactly how George W. felt. But unlike him, I am looking for a "safe" way to vent my aggression. I have no plans to invade.

Yet, I need to find someone/something willing to be my mortal enemy. If you think you'd make a good foe, drop me an application incuding a photo and why you'd make a great nemisis.

Send your application with the subject line: "Mortal Enemy Sweepstakes" to beth7175@hotmail.com. One lucky winner will be the object of my fiendish plans for revenge and domination.

Have You Voted Yet?

2006-08-15T22:46:00.000-10:00

It is your duty to vote...vote early, vote often. Get this Hungarian bridge named after darling Stephen! You'll need multiple IP addresses. Go here, click on ABC szerint to alphabetize the list, or just use Ctrl+F to find Stephen Colbert hid. Select it, and click on Elkud at the bottom to vote. "Carpel tunnel is a small price to pay for this gift to the Hungarian people" so get clicking.

You Know I'm Missing You

2006-08-13T16:17:00.000-10:00

My mind is kissing you. I could watch that all day long.

Moving Day

2006-08-05T21:19:00.000-10:00

Tomorrow is moving day, and I predict I will be too tired to write about it afterward. So I'll just tell how I predict it will go.

April is gonna come pick me up, and we're off to the shady used mattress dealer to get me a bed. Then we'll go to Walmart to get a table and chair to be my work station.

I will try to talk April into letting me buy her lunch. She will give in when I mention Chipotle Chicken Ciabatta and curly fries.

Next we'll return to the dorm to get my stuff: compy, mini-fridge alpha, toilletries and sewing, craft, and desk stuff. I already took most of my clothes.

Kitchen stuff won't be needed at my new place. So, we'll return to take Kitchen stuff, mini-fridge bravo (for Miki) to the lab.

Last I will take April out to Thank You dinner. Probably she'll want Thai food, but I have my fingers crossed for steak.

Untitled

2006-08-01T19:13:00.000-10:00

Well, we're photo-less for a while here as I destroyed my camera recently. I was trying to use my remote shutter release cable with a suitcase as a tripod...pulled it right off. Here's a picture to look at, anyway. It's the first hit off google image search for "crazy shit."

Today is the germans' last night in town, so we go to Magoo's. Don't tell anyone, but I secretly wish I could just go home and rest, or even stay here and work instead. But, a girl's gotta eat, and I owe the germans for their great friendship these three months. They have more loyalty in their little fingers than some of my co-workers posses.

What's this nonesense about Kellie and Michael not getting iPods after all? Pull the fucking trigger already.

I've recieved word that Castro may or may not be sick. Rough news for Francis, who "wanted to see Cuba before Castro's gone." Um...no comment.

If you need photo frames, try Kmart. It was the best deal on this rock.

This has turned into a Larry King-esque rant from subject to subject, so I better knock it off before I delete this post.

The Day Is Mine!

2006-07-24T23:39:00.000-10:00

Why didn't you tell me?!!!

Newsradio is being broadcast on Nick@Nite! Holy hell!

Yes! Something new to TiVo.

Sounds Like Somebody Has a Case of the Mondays.

2006-07-24T20:05:00.000-10:00

I ran out of gas; couldn't start the moped this morning. Had to walk to work.

I can neither confirm nor deny reports that an 87:13 isooctane:heptane solution will get you to Chevron.

Choose-Your-Own-Adventure

2006-07-23T12:30:00.000-10:00

I just had an idea.

J.I. reminded me that I didn't actually do a feature this friday...and I thought to myself, "it's a choose-your-own-adventure." You choose the whole feature...in your imagination.

But what about a real CYOA feature? So now I'm in planning phases and I hope to have it ready by next friday. You'll read a passage here, and at the end will be a choice. Your choice will link you to the comment section of someone else's blog! And that in turn will link you somewhere else.

That having been said, if you have a blog and want my CYOA featureventure to travel to your blog's comment section, or your blog's post section for that matter, let me know by comment to this post.

Prelude to a Picnic

2006-07-21T21:10:00.000-10:00

Only one more sleep til picnic!

Boss and April went to CostCo for the provisions. (Sidebar: what the hell name for a price club is CostCo? Cost Company? Come here, it Costs!) Sadly, they did not have the artichoke sausages, but we'll muddle through.

So Gideon comes up to me in the office today. Well, more than once. He came to ask me how to spell "per se," and for cherryhead candies, but also for this:

Gideon: So...Beth.

Me: Yes?

G: You have a ride to the picnic tomorrow?

M: Well, I mean...I thought we were all meeting here and leaving together...?

G: Yeah....so...Beth, you have a driver's liscence right?

M: Um, yes. Okay Gideon.

So I am a designated driver in case Gideon gets carried away. Isn't he cute? But actually April is driving me. But I will go home with Gideon, I expect. There's room for one more, and then April can go straight home.

I don't know what's wrong with my reaction. But, the good news is we made four grams of the precursor today, so we should be able to figure it out in time.

Michael and Kellie are getting iPods. It's so ridiculous, because the iPods will be WASTED on them because they don't WANT iPods. They have gift certificates. How could you not want an iPod? iPod is the shisnack. (You're not using that right. That's what she said. That's better.)

Feature Friday

2006-07-21T21:08:00.000-10:00

It's a choose-your-own-adventure story?

The lioness has rejoined her cub, and all is right in the jungle.

2006-07-19T18:55:00.000-10:00

I got my moped back today, two weeks to the day after it went wrong. It's running very nicely. I have my freedom back--it's like getting out after being sentenced to 14 days. Huge thank you and a 12 pack of diet pepsi to Gideon for a ride to the shop.

I *probably* had synthetic success today.

I deserve a present. But I don't know what that will be yet. I feel like going out to dinner, but it feels so ridiculous to go alone. Maybe I'll do it though.

Found It.

2006-07-17T00:04:00.000-10:00

I think I told you that my cake was eaten Friday night.

Guess what they did Saturday night? Had a drunken party so out of hand that when I woke up, I found the following note on my door:

Beth and Eleo,

Don't use the bathroom. Charmagne has been sick in there. We cleaned it up, but left her sleeping in the bathtub.

Kelli

I have to get away from these undergrads. With that in mind, I started looking for apartments. You have to be lucky to find an affordable, stable place to live in Honolulu. I've looked before with no sucess, that's how I ended up in the student housing to begin with. But no more. I am soooo lucky.

The first ad I responded to wrote me back, I saw the place today, and I'm moving in in August! I get my own room, all utilities incuding cable and monthly maid service for only $500/month!

Why so low? I guess my "roommate" does not consider herself marketable. She is 60 and in a wheel chair. But, I think she's the perfect roommate because she is stable and settled in life, and she won't kick me out so she can go live with her boyfriend, or end up sleeping in her own vomit in the bathroom. It will be so nice to have my own private room again.

How To: A Day of Petty Larceny at Ward 16

2006-07-16T23:41:00.000-10:00

To enjoy a day of petty larceny at the movies, in the style of Beth, you will need the following:

a current list of what’s playing at your chosen movie theater, with running times
transportation to and from the theater
admission to one feature
moral turpitude.

I saw my first free movie in August 2004 in Honolulu, at the dollar theater. It was so innocent. I paid to see what I knew to be the last showing of Kill Bill 2. As I watched the credits, patrons began to file in…I knew they must be seeing a different film, and that I was in it for free. So I simply kept my seat and waited to learn what it would be. It turned out to be a special feature of a surfing documentary that I had wanted to see, admission $4.50. My lucky night.

When I saw my first feature at Ward 16, I immediately noted that it was ripe for plundering. Tickets are taken at the front door, allowing access to all 16 theaters with a single admission. On each numbered door is a sign informing you of the film it will show, and the start time. As an added bonus, the soda fountains are self-service.

Now you may think it’s petty to steal from the movie industry, but I think it’s petty to charge $4 for a soda. That’s enough to buy a 12-pack. And while it is stealing to see more that one movie at the cost of one admission, at least I do pay the admission. That’s more than we can say for online pirates.

Moviefone has seen fit to provide me of a list of what’s playing at all the local theaters, at what time, and for how long. For my How To day, I decided to beat my record and see more than two movies for the price of one. There are so many great sounding movies out right now. I’d be happy to see any three of the four below, but I must see Pirates 2 and The Devil Wears Prada.

The Devil Wears Prada (PG-13, 106 min.)12:15pm 2:45pm 5:30pm 8:15pm 10:45pm
Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest (PG-13, 150 min.) 11:45am 12:30pm 1:15pm 2:30pm 3:15pm 3:55pm 4:45pm 6:00pm 6:45pm 7:30pm 8:15pm 9:30pm 10:15pm 10:50pm
Nacho Libre (PG, 100 min.) 12:10pm 2:20pm 4:30pm 7:45pm 10:00pm
You, Me and Dupree (PG-13, 108 min.) 11:30am 12:00pm 2:10pm 2:40pm 4:50pm 5:20pm 7:30pm 8:00pm 10:10pm 10:40pm

Now you’ve got to plan ahead, and do some math. When you’re only seeing two, this is pretty easy. Use the running time to tell when the move will end, and pick a schedule that will let you see both movies with out too much time in between. You don’t want to have to loiter around inside the theater waiting for the next one. For multiple reasons. It took me some time to work out, but I can see The Devil from 2:45 to 4:30, then Pirates of the Caribbean from to 4:45 to 7:15, and finally You, Me and Dupree at 7:30.

This schedule will leave me only enough time between films to hit the restroom and find my next seat. But lets say fate doesn't smile on you, and your wait is longer. It's important to stay under the radar...the theater staff can't see you in the bathroom stall. And they're unlikely to think someone carrying concessions isn't a paying customer. Back when I was new and paranoid, I'd wear a jacket to the first movie, take it off for the second.

Now I go to the theater and buy a ticket for the first movie. Once inside, I’ll go the extra mile for that cheap as free experience. Inside Ward 16 there are hundreds of paper cups that people have paid $4 for, and then left laying around: either on counters, in cup holders, or resting on the top of other cups in the garbage cans. I take one of these, and head for the ladies room, where I wash the cup with soap. Free soda all day.

After your bought-and-paid-for movie ends, use the bathroom, maybe buy a snack. And take a leisurely walk around the place to find the location of your second movie. You’re in. In my case, repeat after the second movie. I paid for a matinee and a popcorn, but I also enjoyed a large soda and two more movies, for a total savings of $21.50. But to be honest, I would have been willing to pay that much each way for cab fare. It's the scheming that's the actual fun.

Hazel's Wedding: Part One

2006-07-15T21:20:00.000-10:00

I have wanted to write about Hazel's wedding, but since I was a bridesmaid I had no pictures. Now Hazel has got her proofs, so I can use those. So, at long last:

Between Hazel's bridal shower and Hazel's wedding, we got to spend a fair amount of time together. This was great, as I considered it my "last chance," and terrible because we often got one each other's nerves. I asked her Sunday what she was doing that night, and she said she was working on her wedding programs in the afternoon, but we could go out that evening. I instead offered to help with the programs. Long story short, she was long in relinquishing control of the programs. I waited and waited, and didn't get to finish them until the middle of the night Thurday night (night before the wedding!)

Beside working on the programs, I did soooo much to help Hazel. I attended two dress fittings and learned to do the corset and bustle. I made the guest list for the reception venue people, and the photo list for the photographer. I typed up the readings for the lectors. I made the maps for the guests who had forgot the bring the one from the invitation. I helped to decorate the reception venue...doing almost all of the manual labor aspect so Hazel could do the "artistic" bits. Quite literally, the bride's maid.

Thursday was the rehearsal, which was again not as fun as I'd hoped. The dinner was at Davani's...enough said. Amy and I bought bottled water for the bridal party, roses for the honeymoon suite, and planned to decorate the back of the limo...bridesmaid's secret affairs. I went home to alter and press my gown and finish the programs.

After a morning of running the last minute errands, I arrived at the church on time, but no one else was there yet! I saw my Dad across the parking lot (his work is next door to the church) on his way to a smoke break, so I went and hung out with him for a while. By the time I returned, more people were available, and preparations were in full swing.

Since I had been to both dress fittings, I was to be the one to lace the dress. Amy tried to do it while I was out of the room, but Hazel stopped her and told her to get me. This caused Amy to run off and cry while working on the "Just Married" sign. This would be the only drama of the day. Characteristicly, Hazel made it worse by telling Amy all the things she had "let" Amy do while I curled Amy's hair.

Other preparation-y stuff I worked on: pinning the corsages and
boutonnières on sooooo many people, running messages, bringing water bottles, being photographed, adjusting bow ties. It was a rough afternoon, and by the time the ceremony was nearing I was regretting the thin soles of my ballet slippers. But things were just getting started.

Where Has the Time Gone?

2006-07-15T20:49:00.000-10:00

I'm so sad that almost a week has past since I had time to write. Partly it's because my room was messy and I didn't have my camera stuff organized, and there's nothing I dislike like photo-less blogging.

Wednesday was my birthday, and I went out after work to Magoo's with my friends from work. It was sad in a way because none of the "permanent" group members came: Francis and Gideon both had health reasons, and April had family reasons (her fiance's father is in hospital). But we had a great time. Here's a photo from last year's birthday at Magoo's.

Gunner moved "payday $100 beer night" to Wednesday so I could have unlimited free beer. Also, I serendipitously saw Sarah that morning and invited her, and she bought me a cocktail and a tuberose lei. I have missed her and Jesse a lot since Cisco moved away. Now we have exchanged numbers and made plans to get together to watch Chronicles of Narnia.

Thursday night I played poker on the third floor lanai with Gunner, Jesse and Daniel, Axel, and Ian. It was fun, although completely un-serious. I invited Daryl, and he said no to poker. So I asked him, "What card games do you like?" and he said Euchre! Which is bad news: if I meet anyone who likes Euchre it will probably cost me my job. Luckily I don't think he cares to spend any time with me.

Friday after work April and I were about to go out to dinner when Daryl came to ask April if she wanted to go in with him, Gunner, and the Germans for pizza. Which we did. It was fun. Twice in two days we had engaged in a social event in the building, and it was the first two times ever. I am excited about the prospect of repeats, but also afraid.

Today we took our normal Saturday lunch-out at Sam's Club since Gunner wanted to buy a new digital camera. I heart Sam's Club, except why don't they take Visa? I ended up paying $450 on my checking account since they wouldn't take Gunner's card. My people are going over to Marty's tonight for a fooseball tournament, but I just want to relax at home for a change. I hope I get to go to Pirates 2 tomorrow!!!

I had made a cake to take to group meeting to celebrate my birthday, but "someone" (read: friends of roomates) broke into our apartment and ate half the cake in the night! WTF.

Today at group meeting the boss asked Daryl to take him to Sam's Club friday for the stuff for the official group picnic comming up, and he said yes. BUT later when April and I were in the car and she got a call from Daryl saying he is distraught about them not having the sausages with the artichoke hearts in them (JUST as I predicted). So it will be me and April and boss at Costco on Friday (April has membership, but won't go alone.

I've got no plans for tomorrow...should I work or go to the movies? Cast your vote by comment.

Sunday Out

2006-07-10T19:26:00.000-10:00

Yesterday we went on the "unofficial" group picnic to the North Shore. (The official group picnic to the North Shore, sponsored by the boss, will take place on the 22nd.) Everyone was invited, but Tom and Lifeng declined, Axel punked out, Francis didn't turn up, and April had to cancel last minute due to a sudden key deficit. So it was Gideon, Me, the Germans (Peter and Caroline) and Gunnher.

We packed the provisions into Gideon's car. These included the sub sandwich platter purchased by April and the shrimp cocktail platter purchased by Francis. I warned Gideon that we were going to have trouble with Francis about the shrimp, but he pressed on. "He should come if he wants to eat the shrimp!" Okay.

WALKING TO THE BEACH

We drove to the North Shore, and began the day with our picnic. When lunch was almost over, Gideon got a cell phone call from Francis. Apparently he had gone to the lab at lunch time to pick up his shrimp platter. It was a one sided conversation for the rest of us, but Gideon was saying things like, "You said the shrimp was for the picnic," and "You really should have come along." Holy hell.

We swam and played catch with a floaty football, and layed on the beach. No one felt like jumping off the rocks, as Gideon was hung over, Gunnher had a fractured rib, and the Germans thought it looked too crowded.

THE GERMANS

Eventually we had to leave because Gideon was due back for a party at six-thirty. I proposed that the rest of us go see Pirates of the Caribbean 2, but the Germans were only down for a movie if it was Click...So Click it was. We had nano-showers and met at the theater to get tickets, then retired to Dave and Busters for dinner and beers before the show.

AT THE MOVIES

The movie was good, but if I were you I'd wait for video. Gunnher said, "You really get into the movie, don't you?" I move around, and laugh and scream...Because why else are we at a theater? I wanted to stay and see PC2, but it would have meant taking a taxi home as moped is unwell.

On the way home the four of us stood, because there were only a couple scattered single bus seats. This domineering large woman in wanna-be tribal dress made a Japanese tourist stand because he had a bag on the seat next to him, and we were standing. Then she told me to sit down.

Me: Ma'am, I'm not going to sit in a seat you forced someone out of!

Bitch: He could put that bag under the seat and sit down.

Me: [glares]

Bitch: The rules are he gets one seat only.

Me: Please just stop.

Bitch: Oh I'm done with you.

Then she tried to get someone else to sit in the vacated seat, but the only people standing were there with me: like I said, there were empty single seats! The best part of this story: there was a bag on the seat next to her! We can't be sure if was hers or the person she was socializing with...but a bag next to her. I was proud of Japanese guy, because as the ride continued more and more people got off, and the fact a that he was standing was more and more ridiculous. But he never sat back down.

Hazel's Bridal Shower

2006-07-08T17:39:00.000-10:00

Hazel's bridal shower took place the morning after Michael's wedding. I was only awake enough to refresh the top layers of my wedding hair and change. On the way I stopped and picked up the makings for Hazel's gift, a rose propigating kit. It included soil, pot, plant mister, rooting hormone, and pruning shears. The pot was decorated with star gazer lilies, which turned out to be Hazel's signiture wedding flower. This was unplanned, but impressed the other guests.

I had recieved the intricately hand-made invitation only hours before my flight to Minnesota. When I arrived at the fete, I found that the party would be equally elaborate. Amy the hostess had decorated the door with a hand-made sign. Her father, dressed as a butler, offered me a mimosa in a champangne flute from his tray.

Hazel greeted me with tales of her bachelorette party, which I politely ignored. I was still rather angry that it had been rescheduled to a day I couldn't attend. My consolation is that without my planning and attendance it turned out to be a wandering, aimless, drunken affair populated by only the bride and two bridesmaids.

The guests continued to arrive. Susan (MOB) greeted me politely, but Nicole (sistery-aunt OB) didn't return my "hello" and snubbed me the rest of the day. We endured an enforced "get to know each other" introduction. "I'm Beth, I'm one of the bridesmaids. I met Hazel in sixth grade and we've been best friends since ninth." Then Amy ushered us in to lunch, which was being served at two tables. She said, "this table is for the young, cutely dressed girls, and this one is for...[trailed off into awkward silence]."

In a gathering were I was one of the only five people under 30, I went to the first table. Although I still maintain I was cutely dressed, I did not find my placecard at Hazel's table. Due to a desire to separate some potentially fractious women, I was in the next room with Susan and Nicole. Susan talked through the whole lunch about her ongoing labor dispute with her former employer, and how she couldn't take a job offer in she'd recieved in Saudi Arabia because she had a "blue-eyed, blonde-haired thirteen year old daughter. One day I'd just come home and find her gone!"

But the chicken salad was delightful. The food was beautifuly presented, and sered with class by the "butler." They could have charged thirty dollars in a hotel restaurant.

We went back to the living room to play ridiculous games in order to win baking mixes. I won the "How Well Do You Know Hazel" quiz and earned a package of wild rice. Then we returned to the dining tables for desert and more information on Susan's ongoing unemployment saga.

Finally we watched as Hazel opened her gifts, most of which were from her wedding registry. Those that weren't were perfectly to Hazel's taste. Ursula (blond, blue-eyed and thirteen) was instructed to make a faux bouqet from the ribbons for Hazel to carry during the rehearsal.

As Hazel bid her guests goodbye, Amy and I loaded the loot into her VW Beatle. For the rest of the day I would go on and on about how beautiful the party was, and how fine the food. "It was so beautiful you forgot how much you disliked everyone there!"

Michael's Wedding: Part Four

2006-07-05T20:17:00.000-10:00

The guests were called in for dinner. Unlike at Hazel's wedding, the guests had the manners to wait until the blessing had taken place before beginning to eat the plated salad. My dad and I were at table three, along with my paternal grandparents, two of my dad's friends from work, their wives, and Tim's two toddlers Matt and Marin. Almost as soon as we sat down, Matt (age 5) asked me to dance. I demured, saying that no music was playing. Minutes later, Michael and Kellie came in, blessing, salad. Orchestral dining music began to play, and Matt walked around the table to ask me, "Why are we not dancing yet?" I danced with him a few minutes beside our table.

At Kellie's behest, there were disposable camera's at each table, since $2000 did not secure the photographer for the reception. I gave ours to Matt and Marin. Their mother warned me, "None of those are going to come out." I certainly hope not. Giving them the camera was a much better solution than the one I had planned in advance: taking all 24 exposures up my dress. The children spent the rest of the dinner hour travelling round and round the table, photographing everyone's elbows. The best feature of the cameras was they continued to make all the noises and flashes of a working camera long after they were full.

The food was excellent, and we had a nice group to talk to, but for the fact that all anyone ever wants to tell me is that they read my article, and how nice it must be to live in Hawaii. Tim is always good fun, and told the server she was "the best waitress he'd ever seen." Which is always true of any waitress Tim ever sees.

Unquestionably the highlight of the ceremony was Christopher's best man toast. He was interrupted for applause much like a president giving the State of the Union address. At the end, He said, "Michael was kind enough to share with me a token of Kellie's love for him, and I share it with you. This is a poem she wrote to him five years ago." I can't remember the whole thing, but it was the perfect blend of sweet and hilarious. "I want to sleep with you, I want to have babies with you. You are all I need." The maid of honor stumbled into a classic blunder: she made it about her and Kellie, not Michael and Kellie. And it was so so short and unpolished next to Chris's. I felt bad for her.

Kellie and her dad danced to "Butterfly Kisses." Which is trite. But seeing them dance with no pro photographer inspired me to take a lot of pictures that I didn't really want for myself. We'll see if I eventually feel magnanimous enough to send them. When the dance concluded I took the camera over to show Kellie, but she seemed unenthusiastic about them.

Michael and my mom danced to "Dream a Little Dream of Me." It was very touching.

Of course I was dragged to the dance floor by Matt. I quickly convinced him to ask other girls. After only a few songs, the kids were too tired and had to go home. For most of the rest of the night I took pictures. I hate people, but I love gatherings. I captured Daniel (age 12) dancing with almost every hottie in the place. I got the bride taking shots with her close-but-not-bridesmaid-close friends. I got all the guys out in the gazebo sharing cigars. I caught Daniel catching the garter toss. Theresa and dad dancing to "What a Wonderful World."

And somewhere in there I found time to dance myself. I danced with all my brothers, and with Theresa's boyfriend Lou. I danced one with Theresa, and a group dance with Theresa, mom, and some other girls. Best of all I got to dance a couple with Michael, which was so nice. He can't dance for shit, but he claims it's me that's the problem. (I guess we both like to lead).

I was flattered when one guy, a boyfriend of Kellie's sister, said that he thought the whole photographer thing was crap, and that I should have been it, and why the hell weren't they doing the reception. I thought he was so nice, but since then I have heard he's abusive to the sister...so there you have it. Abusive guys are always tres charmant, n'est pas? Kellie's dad came up to me and thanked me "for everything, the photos, just...everything." Which I suppose was nice of him. It may not be his fault his wife and daughter are ridiculous.

I had a great time at the reception, which was very disappointing. I had hoped for fireworks. By the time last call and last song rolled around though, I was very excited to get out of there. Our leaving was marred by a certain couple being unsafe to drive home. I encourage everyone going to a hotel for a reception of a wedding they are very sorry to attend to take a ROOM at that hotel, avoiding such incidents.

The next day the bride's family hosted a "gift opening" barbeque, but I was off to Hazel's bridal shower.

Pictures to come.

Michael's Wedding: Part Three

2006-07-05T17:47:00.000-10:00

The service was nice. In the front row were my parents, Theresa, her boyfriend Lou and I. I was positioned on the outer most seat so I could sneak out during the homily: my dad had given me the building master key so I could sneak up to the balcony and get the un-gettable arial shot.

During the readings I looked up to the balcony in anticipation, and saw...the photographer and her two assistants. So I stayed in my seat. That was the last straw, but I just took it.

When the ceremony ended, we filed out for the recieving line, which was intermidable. The plan was to have the guests file past onto the lovely academy front steps, have the happy couple run through a mist of bubbles, and then take a picture. But it was raining. So we went straight to the reception venue.

By the time we arrived (last) all the cocktail tables were full. Everyone was introducing me as, "This is my [whatever] Beth. She lives in Hawaii." The bridal party was off being photographed in the dining room, meaning that ancillary family like me were much in demand for conversations. It was the darkest hour of a dark day. The only redeeming moments were encouraging Tim's toddler children to cause as much mayhem as possible, and disturbing the photo session by bringing all the groomsmen cold beers.

During the cocktail hour, the cake was on display, but without it's fresh flower decoration. My grandmother asked the hated MOB for the flowers, but she behaved very badly. I'm sure she was hating the cake, just as she would have been hating me if I was taking the photos.

Although we did not yet realize it, we had by then come through the worst of it unscathed. Thank the Lord for small mercies.

Michael's Wedding: Part Two

2006-06-29T04:53:00.000-10:00

That time waiting for our turn was probably the best I had all day...just me, my dad, and my three brothers. Dad's office is just around the corner from the stiffling chapel, so we snuck in there for some air conditioning. We could stand back and watch the circus without yet be an act in it ourselves. One of Kellie's sisters said I looked great, and I said, "Of course. Oh, I mean...thank you." Actually even as one of the less cute ones there I was still well prettier than the you know who.

What do you think of their tuxedos? I think they look okay with the jackets on. But later when they take them off the look like waiters.

As more people arrived, things got progressively less fun. I had to socialize with all manner of people I'd rather not see. I was behaving myself beautifully, which surprized no one more than it did myself. It's amazing how you'll slip into full-wedding-politeness mode. I was able to give polite answers to questions even from the mother of the bride, the most hated one.

Speaking of uncharacteristic poses, this one's a doozy. You should have seen their faces when she told them to do it. Although I admit it makes a nice photo. This one is taken in The Parlor, which is funny to me since no student is actually allowed to enter that room. Unless they get married apparently. I would have done other locations...you have to take advantage of the fact that this building is their high school. That's why they chose it. Get one in front of the blue lockers. Get one in the gym. Get one in the football stands, where they met. No one asked me. The photographers showed other lack of consideration in that certain groupings Michael had origionally asked me to take didn't get done by them. For example, she didn't get a picture of the three brothers and their dad all in the matching tuxes.

Michael's Wedding: Part One

2006-06-29T04:22:00.000-10:00

With all the arrangements for Hazel's wedding, I have been delayed in writting about Michael's. At this moment I am waiting patiently because Hazel has called to say she will be an hour late picking me up, so I can make a start.

I woke past my alarm, and my dad made me a hearty breakfast. The slow start to the morning meant I had to carefully budget my time in order to be ready on time. I ran to my mother's house to iron my dress and choose Theresa's dress. It was a lucky thing she asked me to help her, as one of her two dresses was almost identical to mine. We would have looked like bridesmaid wannabes, which we emphaticly were not.

Next I had to hit the mall for shoes. These Steve Madden ballet flats were the first and only pair I tried. I ran to Clairs for earings. A soon-to-be teen mother greeted me with, "How can I help you today?" I asked her to show me to the "sparkly prom shit." Soon I was back on my way to Bloomington to dress. I arrived on schedule at 12:40, leaving me one hour to primp before leaving for the photo shoot.

When I came in the door, Dad was on the phone with a frazzled groom. "I told you Daniel had to be here at one, right?" Ah, no. Since Dad hasn't even showered yet, I did my makeup in the five minutes it took to put Dan in his tux, and we were back on the road to Richfield. Then I drove back to do hair and dress. All the while my Dad was telling me to "relax" and "sit down and have a coke." I pressed on, and we arrived just in time at 2pm.

Of course, at that time the bridal party photos were not finished yet, and it would be close to an hour before my Mom Wendy and sister Theresa would arrive. So I had to endure a classic "I told you so," from Dad. Meanwhile I was gratified that Michael came over whenever he could to whisper things like, "She keeps makeing me do out of character poses," and "I'm trying to think of a way to ruin this bitch's career."

The photographer had two assistants, one to take candid photos as she herself took the posed shots, the other to do the lighting. At that moment nothing the photographers did could bother me, because I had a secret. I had gotten the key to the chapel balcony from my father (who works at the school where the ceremony was held). Therefore I had plans to get a special arial photo of the ceremony that no one else would have.

Rehearsal Dinner

2006-06-23T21:56:00.000-10:00

It happened. It was way less fun than I imagined. The priest switched the Bride's and Groom's sides.

I Make This Look Good.

2006-06-20T00:19:00.000-10:00

This image is proof that it's not ME making the bridesmaid's dress ugly. I'm hot in this dress. The picture doesn't really do me justice.

Saturday someone asked me, "What are you wearing to Michael's wedding?" And I said, "I think about that everyday." And this person laughed at me, according to her because it was only one week before the event and I still hadn't worked it out yet. But I meant that I had several options in my closet I was choosing from...not a time sensitive issue.

But that conversation inspired me to go shopping. At the third store I found this black satin dress for a steal. (You'll never guess the price. Test yourself.)

I wasn't actually to sure about it until I tried it without a bra...I have NEVER looked better. There is some chance I will go try it on again later tonight. There is some chance I'll wear it to the lab tomorrow.

At Least I Know WHEN Things Go Missing

2006-06-20T00:15:00.000-10:00

The following is an Actual Excerpt from Beth's Email

Elizabeth,

Please see me, I have your wallet. The custodian found it on the floor of the group meeting room.

Karen

Trials and Tribulations

2006-06-17T21:14:00.000-10:00

Last night I had my wallet, and now I don't.

To be honest, I can't be certain when that changed, but I think it was during group meeting today. When I came back the door was open, although I closed it when I left. When I came back my wallet was not in my purse, but I thought it was when I left. But I can't be sure it didn't fall from my pocket somewhere, or who knows what.

Sometimes my wallet falls from my pocket, especially in the ladies room. But I always check my pocket when I leave the ladies room now.

When I saw that my wallet wasn't in my purse in my office, I figured I must have made a mistake, must have left it at home. Sometimes I leave my wallet at home, generally after using it in my home. I might have to take out my phone card. Then I forget to put the wallet back.

When I got home and found that the wallet wasn't there either, I started to freak out. But I drove back to work to double check. Then I drove back home to double check. Then I really freaked out. I am flying in less than a week. You need an ID to fly.

I remembered that I had my birth certificate and my social security card, and with those I must be able to get some kind of photo ID. I got them out of my filing cabinet. Lucky me, I found a canceled Illinois driver's license with them in the envelope. How thoughtful of someone to provide me with that.

I felt really uncomfortable without a wallet. So the first thing I did was drive to Walmart. If you walk into Walmart with a local check and a canceled Illinois driver's license, you're allowed to walk out with a new wallet and a crisp $20 bill. And then you're a person with an ID and money in their wallet, a substantial transformation.

Feature Friday: "Valtrex"

2006-06-16T21:54:00.000-10:00

Book-In-Progress Review

2006-06-12T22:48:00.000-10:00

I have started "reading" the book Hester recommended to me called Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close by Jonathan Safran Foer. It is very very good. My enjoyment was not even hindered by accidentally listening to disks 1-2 out of 10 on shuffle and repeat mode. I remember thinking, "What an interesting literary device to repeat certain passages." I am captivated: I can not wait to find out if he will find the lock, and if his mom will find out about the answering machine messages, and even his age (between 7 and 12 is all I know). Point of clarification: is the 'your mother' who was left by her mute husband the main character boy's grandmother? So the boy's dad who died in the attacks, HIS father would be the mute sculptor right? That doesn't make sense because is the little boy's grandma blind? And if so, where did the "family" jewlery business come from? I'm a bit confused, which I'm starting to think I might could remedy by re-listening to disks 1-2 on standard mode. I got so mad when I found out about the typerwriter ribbon.

Update: Now I get it. He only thought she was blind. And they owned a jewlery store. And she knew the pages were blank, which adds a whole new dimension to the situation.

Feature Friday: "Bridesmaid"

2006-06-09T00:39:00.000-10:00

The Big Event

2006-06-07T20:19:00.000-10:00

I just got home from the reception for our department chair candidate. Now that I've talked to him and heard him give a seminar, I am even more interested in him taking the job.

My catering was a big hit, and people were absolutely insane over the chocolate dipped strawberries. Many people asked me for the recipe, which is proof conclusive that chemists don't have much common sense. (Ah, you melt chocolate, then you dip them in it.) The other food was also popular; the only complaint was that there was "too little." Well people, it was supposed to be just a snack. I think most were able to make a meal out of it though.

The disappointment of the night is that our guest didn't eat a bite!!! He had a beer or two, and seemed to enjoy himself. But the whole point of the chocolate dipped strawberries was to make him take the position. Chocolate dipped stawberries are like a magic potion; but he didn't take the potion. I hope he takes the job, I hope he takes the job, I hope he takes the job.

But based on the discussion he and I had, he may just be too perceptive to move here. He instantly saw every flaw in this department. He also instantly saw what needs to happen to fix those flaws, but if I were him I certainly wouldn't want to be the one to fix them. He could write his own ticket to almost any instituion.

How I Changed the World

2006-06-06T00:42:00.000-10:00

The following is an Actual Excerpt from Beth's Email:

Hi Mike!

You are gonna shave for the wedding right? You can't ever get that day back to re-take photos. Go for a timeless, elegant (clean shaven) look. The current headline should read: "Area Man-Beast Abducts Attractive Girl" I'm teasing, but in a serious way. Oh, I know what strategy I should have employed. Ignore that first bit. Instead:

Hi Mike!

Remember when we were all young, and girls were throwing themselves at you? Do you notice that happens less lately? What's changed? Could it be, your beard? That's right, you didn't have a beard in college and EVERYONE wanted a piece of Mike-flesh. Get back the glory days: pick up a razor! Does Hazel claim to "love the shaggy look?" Perhaps she realizes (conciously or no) that a clean-shaven Mike equalls competition from all commers, be they man, woman, black, or white.

Love, Beth

Well it worked! Mike is denuded. I hear that he has quite the facial tanline. Hopefully he will get plenty of sun over the next two months, and even himself out.

Chris Got a Blog

2006-06-05T23:40:00.000-10:00

My brother Chris got a blog. Why didn't you? That dog is my very own Raven. I feel ridiculous, because I wasted all my breath on trying to get J.I. to blog; it never occured to me to get Chris. Chris is a born writer. Chris should post his short fiction. Of course, that will make it impossible to publish it for money, I assume. Synthesis was completely clear that my manuscript would not be acceptable if I had self-weblished it.

Feature Friday: "The Graduate"

2006-06-04T01:53:00.000-10:00

Mothers, lock up your daughters; he's the total package. Congrats Chris, I couldn't be prouder.

My Stat Counter Runneth Over

2006-06-04T01:09:00.000-10:00

I'm chuffed. Thank you to my four loyal listeners, whoever you are. Leave more comments.

I Am So Fucking Tired

2006-06-02T17:43:00.000-10:00

Last summer when Brad and April both had undergrads, I was so jealous. Now I have TWO, and I am 100% ready for them to leave. I thought teaching ochem for four hours a week was hard. But now I'm teaching it 8 hours A DAY, EVERYDAY. And this time, there's no prepared lesson plan.

I am so so so so tired. I need to get more sleep. The problem is my new roomate Kelli is just like me in her sleep habits: she can fall asleep with the lights on and me typing away. So therefore, I seem to be leaving the lights on and typing away the night away. Always.

Grumble grumble. When the fuck is April comming back? I can't take this anymore. Her presence is so soothing.

Last night I came up with an invention, and THIS time, it hasn't already been in the marketplace for several years. So, soon I'll be a millionaire. I can't divulge my invention until I get a patent, but seriously I think there's a market for this.

Wednesday I am in charge of preparing a "reception" for a guest of the chemistry department who we are trying to convince to take the job of dept. chair. Yay, I get to "event plan." I still think event planning is my true metier and I should quit my job and pursue it. What I'm most looking forward to is that another group had the task of doing an "identical" reception just last wednesday, and thier's sucked. So I can make my boss look good by comparison, and we all know I am a tremendous brown-noser.

Their menu: Heineken, Coke, Hawaiian Sun (a 10% juice drink), pretzles, chips, vegtable tray.

My menu: Heineken, Coke, Hawaiian Sun, wine, fresh baguette and assorted cheeses, vegtable tray, a selection of fruits including fresh pineapple and chocolate dipped strawberries.

If you have some other suggestions send them along. When he saw the other reception, I asked my boss what he thought. He said he wants something "more substantial" but yet not a meal. (Right after the reception boss must take the guest out to a nice dinner). I think bread and cheese is substantial but not a meal...and I can't think of anything else cheap but fancy that fullfills that condition.

A Logical Explanation For Everything.

2006-05-30T19:34:00.000-10:00

When I searched the fridge, I did see some Grands bisquits in the drawer here. Turns out, Grands makes cinnamon rolls too, those weren't bisquits. (The back of the tube just says Grands in huge letters, I didn't turn it.) So when roomate came back from memorial day weekend away, she saw my note and said, "Oh, did I use the wrong ones...I thought it was odd that they had raisins." So thieves are not after my rolls. Simple misunderstanding.

Today I got my two undergrad assistants...they "assisted" me into accomplishing almost nothing today. Hopefully they will be more useful later.

Oh No You Didn't!

2006-05-27T17:33:00.000-10:00

After a liesurely afternoon I got hungry and went to prepare my ready-to-bake cinnamon raisin rolls. They weren't where I left them, in the fridge door. I searched the fridge, then freezer. I searched the cabinets and my bedroom in case I had gone insame.

Then I noticed the dirty pan on the stove. Now my new roomates are a tidy bunch, and it's rare to find dirty dishes lying around. And low, there were tell-tale signs of icing.

A search of the garbage can revealed the empty wrapper...which seems to have been "tucked" under to avoid discovery. What kind of person would steal my rolls? It wasn't bedroomate, as we have eerily identical sleep schedules which means she is under my constant superision. But bedrrom two is "early to bed, early to rise" and apparently light-fingered.

WHO WOULD DO SUCH A THING?!!! I have left the wrapper and pan out in the middle of the kitchen, with a note that reads, "Please replace these, Beth"

It's Worse Than I Imagined.

2006-05-23T20:23:00.000-10:00

DELETED!

2006-05-22T14:52:00.000-10:00

Upon further consideration, this post was deleted. If you saw it before hand, count yourself lucky.

The Simpsons...in the computer...in the closet?

2006-05-21T19:28:00.000-10:00

When I was unpacking yesterday I spilled a glass of water into good ol' TV, and he was later pronounced dead.

I considered the options, and ended up getting a TV Tuner for compy since it would theoretically allow me to capture TV, and achieve my girlhood dream of watching Clean House on iPod. Also, this solution would consolidate my life into this tiny box. So far it's working pretty well.

The summer roomates are all here now, and they seem very nice. So far. At least none of them built a barricade of furniture in my bedroom, like last summer. The benefits of social pressure: my apartment is immaculate.

Oh no: Bedroomate just brought in a TV...looks like I'll be shopping for a cable splitter come tomorrow night.

Moving Day

2006-05-19T17:45:00.000-10:00

Yesterday was moving day and I am still recovering from Heat Exhaustion. I am drained. I am trying out a new arrangement, with the computer and monitor in the closet, and the TV on the desk. I wanted to put both in the closet but the my coaxial cable is too short. I'm thinking of buying more. So far no sign of roomates, but I think it's inevitable.

I returned to work today with my shiny new replacement iPod which arrived yesterday. I treated shiny new iPod to a new case to prevent scratches. Now I just have to make iPod some new mp4s.

I rembered yesterday that I want to start a list of things I want to do on my vacation to "weddingland" aka Minneapolis in June. I keep thinking of things, and then forgetting them.

1. Go to Valleyfair (with Chris? Hazel?)
2. Eat orange danish with Michael.
3. Go to Bruegger's Bagels
4. Go to Lee Ann Chin
5. Tell off Jan Jasmin in the event she says the comment I expect her to say.
6. Tell off Nicole in retalliation for something she said about my friends.
7. Eat bacon pancakes at the Origional House of Pancakes.
8. Get a certain pose I want with the other bridesmaids at Hazel's wedding.
9. Recieve bowl of buttercream frosting as fee from Michael.
10. Thank Susan for my shawl so it can go on my acting resume.

Tonight we're having a "group" outing to Magoo's, which I think means at best Gideon, Francis, Darryl, and me. Maybe even fewer? This group needs new blood.

My Help is the Best Help Available

2006-05-16T19:47:00.000-10:00

Frustration! Weeks ago I made this map for Kellie and Michael, and weeks ago I volunteered to make Hazel a map too. But no, her mom was making it. Long story short, this woman is the FLAKIEST woman in the WORLD. So she had to ask her fiance to do it. Baby, his map is ugly, you can't resize it, and it contains errors. But at least he actually made a map. At least Hazel finally had the smarts to ask me to do it at the eleventh hour, so for the rest of the evening I'll be working on that.

Nothing in the world frustrates me much as someone who won't let me help them. Nothing.

Update: Hazel loves my map (duh) and I am patiently putting up with all her bridezilla alterations to it.

Hazel: You're a good person Beth.

Beth: I'm the best person.

Hazel: You're a good person. Not a modest person, but a good person.

Where IS That Babysitter?

2006-05-15T23:36:00.000-10:00

No matter how bad my new roomates are going to be, I need them here immediately. I need to be supervised or judged in some way, NOW. I'm trashing the place, I'm lounging around reading novels, I'm behaving terribly. My own low opinion of myself is nowhere near important enough to spur me to action. The good news is, I have pie*.

*As you can see, enought time elapsed to bake the pie, cool the pie, eat the pie, and I still haven't lifted a finger to clean up at all. Send help.

Mother of All Freakouts

2006-05-15T14:12:00.000-10:00

I called DHL for a pickup this morning (iPod must return a second time). I left the package on my desk when I went out to lunch. When I came back, it was gone. I asked the only worker there at the time if he gave DHL the package. No.

I called DHL to ask if they picked it up. No.

I called all other workers who might have been in while I was out. No.

So I started to have the mother of all freak outs: how could my four hundred dollar iPod be stolen from my locked lab, while concealed in a brown paper box, while surrounded by valuble non-stolen laptops? I checked the doors, sure enough one had been left unlocked. I searched the lab and came up emptly handed. Fifteen minutes elapsed.

I called DHL back. "We're showing one item picked up at 1:51pm."

Thanks so much.

Feature Friday: "Champion"

2006-05-13T02:14:00.000-10:00

Feature Friday

2006-05-12T10:32:00.000-10:00

My current lack of supervision (no roommate, no boss) is not great for my productivity. Already my side of the room is covered with dirty laundry, and I doubt I will be able to beat yesterday's record of hitting work before noon. But I have a plan: I'm going to try to hire a babysitter. Does anyone know the going rate? I really only need someone from say 11pm-midnight to make sure I turn off the lights and computer and from 8-10am to make sure I get up.

I am inspired by big_girlfeet who has a feature on (some?) Fridays. She makes an illustration for illustration Friday and posts it. (See above ). I need some further inspiration on what form that might take for me though. I can not draw. At least I have an amazing public access show and I still know how to party.

Today I get to take time out to go around and visit the various parts of the university bureaucracy and get forms stamped. It reminds me of two things. First, when I was in girl scouts they had some thing where you traveled around to the booths representing different countries and got your "passport" stamped. Second, it reminds me of the good old days in uni. Once I had to drop a class a bit past the line of when that's easy to do. Hazel accompanied me to all the various offices we had to collect stamps from. The final (fictional) step was taking the forms to the university president and getting his "blessing." (That's cleaning it up for web-lication).

I'm gonna give this feature idea more thought and get back to you by the end of the day.

Eerie, True Story

2006-05-11T01:02:00.000-10:00

I used the last of my deodorant today, and I'm missing Hester. So I went to Star Market with the intention to buy the deodorant/body spray Hester used, that I always admired. But it was eight dollars. And I thought, "Goodness!" and got a cheaper one. Then when I was tucking myself into bed tonight, I found she had left it for me! Or, my budding kleptomania has crept into a horrifying new unconscious phase. Anyway, true story.

Equally as eerie: this morning when I left the house I had three roommates, and now I have zero! It's 1am, where is team Japan? I hope they're safe. Perhaps, unsurprisingly, Hester was the only reason they found living here tolerable. (I'm no picnic, people.)

I'll Be Damned, It's Growing in Popularity.

2006-05-09T22:52:00.000-10:00

Shout outs to my new listeners, Brenden (big brother is watching you Bren) and my Dad.

J.I.: here is your pony.

We all knew this day had to come: Hester is leaving tomorrow morning. I helped her re-pack her things to avoid over-baggage fees and picked up her airplane snacks and puzzle books. I feel like a mom taking her first child to the first day of kindergarten: I absolutely don't want to do it. I for one think she is making a huge mistake choosing to live with Brenden over me. As she pointed out: when has Brenden ever bought her airplane snacks. When has Brenden ever sewn her a sundress. So Bren, these are pretty big Havaiana sandals you have to fill. I don't wear shoes anymore. I will miss you calling and asking me, "Is Hester there?"

You can see in the picture she has actually packed a bag, cleared her shelf...even the sheets are mostly off the bed. I'm getting a little concerned she may go through with it. I think, "Ok, you've made your point. Can't we talk about this like rational adults? Walking out is not going to solve these issues."

In other news, boss is leaving for three weeks, and rumor has it tomorrow is his last day. Frivolity is sure to ensue. As one un-named group member commented, "[Thursday] I'm bringing my surfboard in the car, and if there's no sign of him ..."

It's looking very much like I'm about to get my very own subordinate. ("I tortured her, now she tortures you. Succeed...you get someone of your own to torture.") We'll call her "Kimberly" because her real name is of that genre and she will likely need annonimity protection. Kimberly the undergraduate is apparently from a top notch institution. I hope she will not break too much of my equipment. The best news is, she is funded, so that may translate into some extra supplies for me. The second best news is she will be made to clean my glassware.

I Call It Rental Car Beach, 'Cause It's the Only Way to Get There

2006-05-07T22:09:00.000-10:00

Today was basicly Hester and my last day together, since it was my last day off before she will leave. We decided to rent a car and drive to the Leeward (west) side of the island, as it was one of the few last places on Oahu Hester still hadn't fully experienced.

Our trip almost never got off the ground, because Hester found renting a car a bit daunting. But soon I took charge, and we were on our way to the airport by bus to pick up our white Dodge Stratus. Hester is nervous of driving with passengers, so I got to drive all day! Holiday times. With our new wheels in hand, we returned home to pick up Yuko, who was too tired to pick up the car with us. Navigation proved easy: our destination was the western-most tip of the island. I just drove until the road ended.

That brought us to Yokohama Bay Beach. Yuko tells us this translates to "Beside the Bay" Bay Beach. But it's very very beautiful there. I highly recommend this beach, which is far off the beaten path and therefore relatively tourist-free. As far as I could tell, it was also free of the other problems plauging the more convienient beaches. The surf is perfect for swimming--it will toss you about but not too hard. There is a nice sand beach, most of which I brought home in my suit.

We decided to head back east a short way for food and then double back for sunset at Yokohama. On the way I noticed a wayside tourist spot: Kaneana Cave. I took this picture from pretty near the back of the cave, and you see Yuko and Hester sillouetted near the mouth. The cave is named after Kane, the Hawaiian god of creation. I guess in one creation story life came out of this cave. The guide told us that there used to be a waterfall in back and the whole thing filled with water and people swam in the cave. There is also a myth about a half-man-half-shark (Viktor Crumb?) cannibal living in the cave at some point. It was cool looking inside.

Then we moved on to dinner, and I am so ashamed to confess I picked the place. It was called Beaches and looked so pretty from the road. Turns out this building has two restaraunts: one on ground floor, one on second. As we walked up, the ground floor people were so pouncy we were scared away, "Are you here to eat or drink? If you're here to eat, come on in. If you're here to drink, go upstairs. Of course, we're byob. But upstairs, ugh. They have karaoke or something." We ran up the stairs. In hindsight, I think this was a mistake.

The hostess upstairs was equally pouncy. "Where do you want to sit?" I know that doesn't come off rude, but she was. Anyway, Yuko wanted to eat there because they had a bar, but the karaoke was LOUD and BAD. We asked to sit outside (we had seen that they had outdoor tables from outside). Come to find it was just some trashy, mismatched shit and they were in no way prepared to have us dine there. But they let us, and actually an established table followed us too because it was so so terrible inside. The hostess threw on a "tablecloth" (cigarette burnt square of fabric obviously just cut from the bolt...no seams.) and left us in the hands of our server.

Hester and I ordered cokes, and by the time they arrived Yuko was ready to order a beer. She asked if they had Becks, and the waitress (age 13? 19? She was a teen girl) looked utterly flumoxed. Thinking this was an accent problem, I helpfully added, "B-E-C-K-S?"

Teen Girl: Uh, I've never heard of it.

Beth: Well, could you find out if you have it?

TG [returns]: We don't have Becks.

Beth: Do you have a beer list?

TG: Uh, there's one inside, by the door.

Beth: What beers do you have.

TG: We have, like, Budweiser, Miller,...

I'm sure they actually had a wide and impressive selection, but whatever. Yuko saved the moment by ordering a bud.

Beth: Do you have refills on soda?

TG: I don't know.

Beth: Could you find out while you're getting Yuko's beer?

What she didn't know could fill a Sam's Club. She also didn't know what if any side dishes came with the pork loin, or that people generally like to recieve silverware with/before their food. The whole thing was dreadful, and cost me like $30. The only consolation was not leaving even a penny tip. The deepest cut: I may have lost my keys there.

We headed back west for sunset. It was quite nice if somewhat obscured by clouds. On the whole it was great fun and well worth every penny.

Little Did I Know

2006-05-05T17:47:00.000-10:00

Quite opposite of my expectation, Hazel is far and away more annoying about her website than Michael and Kellie. She still did not send me anything to make it personal, although today was her deadline day (so she has been taken offline). And she just now was saying (referring to my origional artwork on Michael and Kellie's website) "Are those blue photos blurry on purpose?" and "I just like ours better. It's pretty." I know it's weird to have the reaction that that's a rejection of my work, since both are my work. But I do. I like the blue illustrations way way more than her pink roses. And until then I had cherished the vain idea that I would do simmilar illustrations on theirs. Also, Hazel just asked me to take down my personal guestbook comment on her website because "you can see how that's not appropriate, right?" Ah, no, obviously.

Karaoke Night

2006-05-04T23:38:00.000-10:00

Me & Hester + Team Japan went out for karoke tonight. Karaoke is a huge thing in Honolulu, there are literally dozens of private karoke clubs, where you rent a room with a karoke machine. Typically you can byob, and we did. I was hitting the Mike's Hard Something Something hard.

Team Japan's Yuko-chan favored hits from the Carpenters, who are apparently huge over there. "Just like me, they long to be, close to yoooooou."

Mikki-chan preferred hits from all the artists of today, like Britney Spears and the Backstreet Boys. And um, Boys2Men? Yeah, they're of today. Plobabry.

Hester and I were singing the Bonnie Rait, etc. but our best song is The Cardigan's Love Fool. "Dear I fear we're facing a problem, you love me no longer I know..."

Hester is leaving the island next week, and I will have no partner in crime. "Leave me, leave me..."

Who Will Win?

2006-05-01T20:20:00.000-10:00

Oh, the war rages on for who will win "Tackiest Wedding" and today we have a startlingly strong effort from the Michael and Kellie camp, in the form of their invitations.

The invitations come in an envelope, and then when you open that, there's another envelope which they were supposed to fill with just the invitation itself, but which they filled with everything. That's funny.

The invitation itself is embossed and thermal printed, so it was probably quite expensive. But the trained eye can see they could have got almost the exact look for a fraction of the price, which annoys me.

They've got an enclosure to RSVP, fine. Fine.

But then they have an enclosure mentioning reception and their website (which is tasteful and elegant). And then they have enclosures on where to buy the gifts, and an enclosure on where to stay, and directions. Despite the fact that that info is more tactfully presented at the website...what are we, simpletons?

This Is What Happens

2006-04-29T11:45:00.000-10:00

He said, "I'm not surprised. This is what happens when you leave things to the last minute. No, don't be sorry. It's still a good paper. You just need to do better next time."

It could have been a lot worse.

Failure Is Not a Four-Letter Word

2006-04-29T02:26:00.000-10:00

I feel I am at the lowest I have ever ever been right now. This is the kind of low you can only get to by falling from somewhere very high up: life gives you a glimpse of something so perfect and beautiful only to dash all your hopes suddenly and completely.

I have been working non-stop for twenty days on my fifteenth example, which would have been amazingly cool had it worked. If you're not an organic chemist I don't think you can understand the level of coolness it would have been. I estimate that the parper would have been roughly three times as impressive, maybe four times.

For a while here it looked like I wasn't going to finish in time, and that would have probably been a lot worse than this...I could never have lived with myself. But I did finish the chemistry; it just didn't work.

(One shouldn't be surprized: the example derives it's coolness from the fact that you'd be shocked that it worked.)

Which happens all the time, and you just have to get over it and move on. But I have been sacrificing everything for this, especially sleep and sanity, and I can't help but feel it was a real waste.

Besides that, the other horrible thing is going to be my boss' reaction when he hears this news, because he went home today thinking the thing had worked. And we were both so so excited.

Earlier today, when we thought it had worked, he was talking about how now that this project is finished and I need to move on to the next thing I need to improve my time-management skills because this was "down to the wire." But now he can say/believe that if I had managed time better, and been better at my work that I could have got this cool example.

Finishing my first paper, and having it be basicly all done by me alone should have been a fantasticly exciting achievement and the culmination of like 6 months of work. Now I just completely lost my enthusiasm, and I hate the thing.

I wanted it so bad...

Dear Beth,

2006-04-24T19:51:00.000-10:00

Dear Beth,

Try not to suck so bad.

Love, Beth

Oi, what a day.

I accidently hydrolyzed my silyl enol ether by adding more TMSOTf but not first adding more triethylamine. Well done.

I had to spend all day tracking down references so we can say "you know love, there are other silica gel catalyzed processes." And it's the worst kind of pop science: Green Chemistry. So you're looking for shit in like The Asian Journal of Chemistry and stuff. Okay. The only satisfying thing about this quest was to touch pages of library books that no man had touched before. (You know, because the content of those pages was kind of trashy.)

And the whole thing re-affirmed my fear that no one is ever gonna use this methodology, and therefore it was a waste of time and money. I feel really wrong about the whole thing...at least the Boss didn't put the words "Green Chemistry" in the article, which is great.

Another great thing is to see my words used in the manuscript. You really notice it where in my report to the Boss I used a big word and that word made it in. Like once I said, "..., ostensibly because..." and the "ostensibly" made it in. Therefore I rule all.

Highlight of my day: Dungeonman 3! I won't write anymore, 'cause I know you all have to go. You find yourself in yon dungeon. Hint: use claws, take bone, use bone.

2006-04-22T23:37:00.000-10:00

Waiting for the Shoe to Drop

2006-04-22T11:11:00.000-10:00

Blue Secret

I have got Kellie and Michael's website just the way I want for my creative vision to be satisfied, and I am waiting to recieve a call where she shits all over it. Again.

I Don't Want to Be Me Anymore

2006-04-20T09:35:00.000-10:00

So who should I be?

2006-04-19T20:59:00.000-10:00

I took a severe beating today, as we had proctoring and grading for the undergrad chem class. Brad and Darryl were there together, which was a first for the semester for me. So it was, "Beth, why do you suck so bad?" and "Beth, why did you take a shit on that cake?" and "Beth, why are you the grandmaster of the KKK?" ALL DAY LONG.

Anyway, if you have questions of your own, feel free to write it. Answers: 1. Ah, I don't. 2. Ah, I didn't. 3. Ah, I'm not.

All the frivolity left very little time for the science, so it's 9pm and I'm not planning to go home AGAIN tonight until I fucking finish my 15th example. Which may take several days. Honestly, I don't know if I can get through this if I have to work 20 hours a day to keep up with expectations. Also, I'm not sure if a life without iPod is worth living.

Why why why can't I find anywhere to live? Did I tell you about how last night I went to go view this room for rent in a house? It was completely perfect in every way, except they had a dog. But that was totally acceptable. And I said to the homeowner, "Hey Jude, Oh. Like the song, cool. Anyway, I love the place and I'm ready to write you a check right now." And they guy says, "Well, I'm gonna need to talk to my wife about that because she mentioned something about having some family stay over." WHAT?! How are you going to invite someone to view the apartment when you're not even sure it's for rent?

He's probably fishing for more money.

The housing market here is TIGHT. I've seen plenty of ads for renting out the living room of a one bedroom or half a studio for $400. And $500 is basicly the tippy-top of what I can afford on my stip-pitance. I saw the most obnoxious ad on Craig's list: "I'm looking for an apartment or room for up to $650. My parents will be paying my bills, so you don't have to worry about late payments."

What should I do, what should I do, what should I do? HELP!

My Life is Ripping Apart at the Seams

2006-04-18T21:10:00.000-10:00

Not one thing I did at work today worked, and I would have actually done better to not even show up.

I need to find a place to live, now.

I just got a letter from my insurance company saying that I owe $1900 for my flesh wound because I didn't mail in some form. Lord I hope that can be straightened out.

There is nothing in my fridge I want to eat except mint chip breyers.

Hazel called me this morning to talk about her problems for an hour, and her biggest one is that her fiance won't do the dishes.

My ipod ... I don't know what's wrong with it.

The only offer I have on a place to live costs 65% of my monthly income. Well, that's not true I guess. I could stay here --so risky.

Finally

2006-04-17T17:52:00.000-10:00

I have been indexed by Google finally, and that means I have also been indexed by everything powered by google. And you know what that means, don't you?

I thought you might. Check it out. Straight pimpin'. I like the part where my boss says, "You're R-to-tha-izzight."

Make It Stop.

2006-04-12T23:26:00.000-10:00

I so can not wait for this publication to be finished. Yet, by my brilliance, I keep making life harder for myself. It's not the best plan to get great ideas on how to "simply" extend the project three days before first draft deadline.

Poor April: She accidently ruined my literature pure sample of something I only had a few milligrams of. She must feel awful. I'm not sure what I'm gonna do about this, but I'm pretty sure I'll work something out. Maybe make more of it...I don't know. You know, a little more of that stuff will come in handy anyway.

I keep not finding time to do this 4up for Michael, but I promise you'll have it by Friday. Which, coincidentally, is what I told the IRS. I hope you got to sleep ok and did well on your midterms.

So last night Michael calls me and he's like, "Beth, I know caffiene works by opening blah blah blah, but how do I close them? Cause I need to get some sleep." And then he proceded to make no damn sense for ten full minutes. He sounded like Strong Sad on Sanca. Amoung other things he said he couldn't sleep because he had to help otherbrother Chris with his Works Cited page. I told him I was all over that.

So I IMed otherbrother, and he was ALSO making no damn sense. I was all "If you don't need help, I really need to get back to work" and he was all "Ethol, you don't need to work if you're as cool as the coolest popsicle," or something like that. It was crazy times.

So I finally got to drag myself home (still no moped) and flop onto the couch, and TBS was showing Grumpier Old Men, which is set in my home state of Minnemonapolis. Bedroomroomate Hester caught me watching it and had this to say: "Um...I'm glad something like that can make you happy."

Elementary My Dear Watson

2006-04-11T19:01:00.000-10:00

Yesterday morning when I came into work, one of my overnight reactions was missing from it's stirring device. It was some powder chemicals in a flask, rubber banded to this device that shakes it really really hard. So the shaker was still on, and there were two broken rubber bands there...but no flask.

Actually this had happened once before, the shaker shook the flask right off onto the floor, and I found it right away sitting on the groud about 12 inches from the shaker. But this time: no flask on the floor. I crawled around the lab on the floor for a while, searching. It could roll away.

Only one co-worker got in before me, so I next assumed he had seen it shaking like to fall off, and moved it. This guy, Darryl, I thought might just take it to give me a scare and teach me a lesson about weak rubber bands. But Darryl said he hadn't.

The janitor comes in before me in the morning and takes out the trash. I thought, maybe she saw it on the floor and threw it away. I went and found her on her "smoke break" (read - doing what she does all day: nothing). She said she didn't see it.

As my co-workers trickled in, I asked them all if they'd moved this thing. I called the late ones. No one had been there the previous day (Sunday). Finally, the boss came around for his 10:15 "So, how are things," which I had been dreading. I can't not mention in, in case he's the one who moved this thing. But I knew that this was probably his first time in the room since I'd last seen the flask. So I asked him, "Did you come in yesterday (Sunday)?"

"No, why? Why do you ask?"

I had been planning to not tell him if he said no...but he pressed me for why I had asked so I had to tell him. It went better than I thought it would, but it still wasn't pleasant.

Despite my protestations, he wanted to re-search everywhere, he's crawling around on the floor, questioning grad students, going through my drawers and cabinets, ("What's this unlabeled dangerous looking bottle Beth?") He even climbed up and looked on a shelf 8' up in the air ("It could have bounced maybe?"). I had told him I questioned the janitor, and his response was, "I just can't see her taking the initiative to pick something up off the floor."

This sentiment was quickly agreed to by all the other students in the group, who were enthusiastically going through my drawers and cabinets, crawling on the floor, and milling around speculating. No one would believe it was the janitor, Jean. She's so lazy that she will refuse to empty your trash if you leave beer bottles in it ("too heavy for me"). Still I pressed on: "It's the only logical explanation. No one of us moved it, no one else has the key, no one would steal that when they left behind three reactions just like that, to say nothing of three laptops and dozens of other valuble things." When you eliminate the impossible, what remains, no matter how improbable, is the truth. I asked, "Do you think it would be worth it to look through the trash?" First my boss said no, but he came back a few minutes later.

"You're right: it's the only logical explanation."

So I went back to Jean, "Jean, I still can't find my flask; I'd like to look through your trash can." Jean's main job, or at least the only job she actually does regularly, is to push around this large garbage can on wheels and empty our trash into it. "Sorry, we already dumped it."

"Where does it go?"

Another janitor asnwered me, "In the dumpster by the loading dock, right back there."

I knew it wouldn't be hard to identify the correct bag: April and I had KFC Friday and Saturday. Sure enough, our (Jean's) bag was the second I opened. I found the flask inside of 2 minutes.

My boss' reaction: "Go easy on her. She's not...smart."

The first mystery is satisfactorily solved: at least I got back the flask. Thank God, because it contained irreplaceable lucky example 13 for my paper. But now we have a new mysteries on our hands that will never be solved: Did the flask make the 10 million to one shot into my trash can, or did Jean pick it up off the floor, or rip it right off the shaker? Did Jean see it and forget, or lie? Did Jean lie out of laziness, or to cover her ass, or to spite me? Why does Jean hate me? What will she do next?

Unsolveable, on and all.

Congratulate Me.

2006-04-10T15:10:00.000-10:00

You just missed me doing the happy dance, because I just hit 12 complete examples for my paper which was my goal. And number 13 and 14 and in progress, so I have superceded my goal. Take that, University of Chicago. Your loss. Your loss.

How's My Driving?

2006-04-09T21:03:00.000-10:00

Now that it came to me that I can do it, I'm excited to let you rate me.

And, so I'll have a way to correlate those scores, please take the next poll also:

Thanks for your participation.

Petty Spoiled Child

2006-04-08T18:54:00.000-10:00

There's nothing like hearing your words come out of the mouth of someone else to make you realize that you're a petty spoiled child. Dear Michael, I'm sorry and let's just never talk about it again. I'm pretty sure I just got over it.

Today was April's birthday, and I had planned to bring her favorite pie to group meeting, but I got beat to the gift-giving punch by Darryl. I'm sure some way to gift her something will come my way.

Finally moped has been picked up for service. It went bad over two weeks ago, but they only pick up Saturday and last Saturday the driver had the gout." Don't move to Hawaii.

Apple sent me a box to send them my iPod in. In the literature they sent along with it they abbreviated my lengthy explanation of the problem down to "dead unit."

Poignant

2006-04-07T01:21:00.000-10:00

Does it ever happen to you that you hear the perfect lyric that expresses your feelings at that exact moment?

Listen to the rythymn of the falling rain,
Telling me just what a fool I've been.
I wish that it would go and let me cry in vain,
And let me be alone again.

The Story of How I Lost My Best Friend

2006-04-07T00:54:00.000-10:00

Michael: One marries selflessly.
Beth: What you just said is so against my whole philosophy.
Michael: I'm not marrying Kellie for myself.
Beth: What do you mean...why are you marrying her?
Michael: I'm marrying Kellie for Kellie.
Beth: I have to go, bye.

--via telephone, 04/07/06

All this time I would have forgiven you that you just had to marry her because you just had to, because you love her. Butnow you say you're marrying her because...(I don't get this)...she said? She wants to?

Don't answer that because I don't care what the answer was.

You are probably thinking: Okay Beth, you finally got what you always wanted, a reason to be mad at me...you've been misplacing your anger all this time.

Turns out maybe you're right: based on what you revealed tonight about what Kellie thinks about this whole thing, I can't stand by and continue to respect you while you stand by and take her shit. And what's more, nor can you:

"If she said she did it all because it's just what she wanted and she didn't care at all what I thought or wanted, I wouldn't marry her."
--Michael, 04/07/06

Michael, it's true whether she says it or not. I hope for your sake that you're lying to yourself about the your reasons for marrying Kellie. After all:

"I don't believe there's a selfless reason for any action."
--Michael, 04/07/06

Pump It.

2006-04-04T19:35:00.000-10:00

I need to get more motivated. So the Black Eyed Peas are on, telling me to pump it. Why does he have one eye covered? Because I'm pumping it, and he's repulsed, yet captivated.

My life is going to shit. My iPod seems to need service. I can't do my work properly. My moped is still broken. My health insurance claim is being investigated?

Today Cisco called from Austin. I said, "I can't take a clean proton NMR!" and he said, "you mean that you can't purify compounds?" Touche. It's worse than I thought.

OMG: Hazel's mother is sewing the bridesmaids BLACK shawls with GOLD roses. That's fucking great. Anyways, I have been practicing saying "Thank you for the shawl, Susan" in front of the mirror, and if I ever successfully thank her, I'm putting it on my acting resume. "If I'm playing pool, and I make a shot, I act like I'm not surprized."

I was so harsh with Hazel that she had to actually ask me: "Beth, do you really think my wedding is going to be tackier than Kellie's?" Well, right now I just can't predict whose's going to be tackier. But Hazel, you shouldn't be satisfied with less tacky than Kellie. Set the bar a little fucking higher. What about not actually tacky at all or even somewhat classy or dare we dream elegant.

Still, I'm not looking forward to after the wedding, because then I shall have little to complain about.

Here's my new advertizement jingle I just wrote:

Isn't it amazing how it can always get worse? It literally can just get worse and worse, and it does, it does, it does...! Untill we all just dry up, and blow away, or get hit by a bus. See your doctor about Prozac today!

I Do My Best Work After Five Too.

2006-03-30T19:56:00.000-10:00

At least I hope it's true, because it's after five and I need some best work NOW!

What a hellacious day. Spending all my time in a windowless box combined with sleep deprivation is robbing me of my sense of the passage of time. Someone could effectively use my life as a form of torture.

I need rest and relaxation. Like a massage. Tomorrow Gideon and April get to go have "free" massages because they belong to a gym. My only solace is that like me they have no time to use their gym memberships for actual working out, therefore the massage is not really free at all. I mean, not "like me" as in I don't use my gym membership. I mean "like me" in that I wouldn't have time to use one if I had one, which I don't.

Other things I don't have time for: laundry, walking to and from work, sleep. Therefore it is my intention to catch a few hours here at work and just change a couple of key clothing items in the morning. I doubt they'll catch on.

Dear Jan, You Bitch.

2006-03-30T16:13:00.000-10:00

Another letter that probably won't get sent because I'm such a good person:

Jan,

I received your shameless request that I send via mail an item purchased for Kellie at either Target or Bed Bath and Beyond. The reasons I know it was a request I send a purchase was that 1) you know very well that I live in Hawaii and am unable to attend the shower 2) the correspondence you sent is littered with drawings of gifts and 3) you shamelessly tacked on a message at the bottom directing me to lists of things Kellie had picked out for me to buy.

I have heard from my mother that you “know” I can’t attend, and sent the invitation only at the direction of an etiquette book. Madam, what the etiquette book apparently failed to mention is that it is not in fact good etiquette to send any kind of correspondence other than an apology to someone whom you and your daughter have so recently treated so very poorly.

I am left to assume that you have no idea that Kellie and yourself fired me as your photographer after entering a verbal contract with me. You are unaware that although Michael begged and pleaded for me to photograph the wedding Kellie would not relent. Kellie has carefully concealed from you that this incident resulted in her and Michael fighting for a week straight, and Michael seriously questioning whether he would go through with the wedding. I will let you know right now that I almost decided not to attend the wedding myself. I am in fact only coming because I am invited to be a bridesmaid in Minneapolis the following weekend.

I am livid. In is unconscionable of Kellie to keep this from you. However, it is far less excusable that when Kellie told you she was hiring another photographer, you must not even have inquired about me and whether or not I cared. Kellie knew very well I cared: I was devastated.

Beth

My Fiery Wrath

2006-03-30T03:44:00.000-10:00

Little did Jan know when she mailed this that she was on double secret probation.
I have not decided what form my wrath will take.

I have decided they will probably escape with their lives, if very little else.

Jan was overheard to say "I know [Beth] won't be able to attend, but the etiquette book requires that I send her an invitation anyway."

Contrariwise, an invitation to a shower one can't attend can hardly be seen as anything less than SHAMELESS GIFT GRUBBING, especially considering her registry information appears on the invite! Also, see image: the thing is littered with drawings of presents. Trust me people, these things were printed at home on an inkjet: it would have been easy to custom print me one that did not UNABASHEDLY request a gift via mail!

What the fuck does your fucking etiquette book say about firing the sister of the groom as photographer and hiring another in breach of verbal contract, and then NOT EVEN BOTHERING TO TELL HER OR APOLOGIZE?!!! That's bullshit. You wouldn't know etiquette if it walked up and fucked you in your lilly-white, know-nothing, suburban-bourgeois ass!

Obviously I'm not going to let this one slide. The idea of sending the letters (angry letters I wrote when I learned I was fired) is back on the table. So is throwing a huge tantrum at the reception, even objecting during the ceremony. Cast your vote in the comments section for the form of wrath you think most apropos.

I Need to Get a Safe That Looks Like a Spray&Wash Can

2006-03-28T18:27:00.000-10:00

Actually what I need to get is a new hard drive. My hard drive is full, and it's like you have to have everything in you ipod on your harddrive, and ipod is still has plenty of room, and I just need lots more space for piracy. I hope I didn't just blow my cover. "I like the FedEx driver, 'cause he's a drug dealer, and he don't even know it. And he's always on time." So as soon as I fix my moped, I'm gonna go buy a new hard drive. But I need April to fix my moped, and she was sick today. I mean, not that she can fix it, but rather give me a ride. Now that it's all written out, it seems like a very expensive venture. So it's little to no piracy for me in the forseeable future.

So I will have to get my thrills by knocking off designer gowns for the time being.

The campus is on spring break, which means there is severely limited food venues available to the (hard-working? hard-core? dumb-ass?) people who remain. I had to have subway for everymeal today. I can't get groceries, because if my moped were working I would be busy using it for copyright violation. "Life is one big Hawaiian luau."

I don't know if you know alot about organic chemistry, but we have this thing we do where you're heating and stirring a reaction. So the flask with the precious reaction contents is submerged part way into a bath of warm oil, and inside the precious contents a little revolving magnet stirs it. Today my revolving magenet must have knocked just right against an already present but imperceptible crack, because when I came back there was a hole in the flask and all my precious contents had leaked into the oil, making it unfit to drink even for Americans. That's 19 man-hours down the drain. Real fucking nice.

When the Boss Is Away...

2006-03-24T18:14:00.000-10:00

The Beth will work even harder. Tonight my boss leaves for a conference. I'm looking forward to it because although there is not less pressure on me when he's gone, it's different pressure and I prefer it.

April has graciously been pressed into my service as a lab tech. I'm hiring people! Submit your resumes to beth7175@hotmail.com. Lab experience preferred, but not required.

Next time an invited publication comes along, or indeed any task that involves a deadline of any kind, remind me to say "thanks anyway."

Yesterday there was a torrential downpour and the streets were flash flooding. I was wearing my sneakers, and they are still soaking wet. I wrung a 1/2c. of water out of each sock. I don't know if the shoes can dry in this humid environment.

Today I needed to use trimethylsilyl cyanide, but the bottle was filled with bleach water. Ugh! Shame on you, Sethu. Now I don't know what to do...do without, I suppose.

I highly recommend the Olde English podcast. So far my favorite is photobooth, and close second the ones about the gorillas (various). It's currently my second favorite video-podcast after Strong Bad Emails and More. For the novice: surprise! You don't need a pod to send or recieve a podcast! Somewhat of a misnomer. I prefer weblication. Actually from now on I'm going to say weblication. Except then people won't know what I mean. Maybe I'll say weblication, but make it a link to this page? Or put podcast in parentheses?

The serious problem is also that weblication sounds more like a combo of "web" and "application" than "web" and "publication." Still I like it.

I need more sleep. Mmm....sleep. I remember that stuff.

Things Not to Try:

2006-03-16T20:30:00.000-10:00

Breyers Butter Pecan. Don't even try it. Not enough butter, way too much pecan.

I feel like I've been around a dementor and I'll never be happy again. Sleep deprivation on top of the problems I already had have led to an impressive reduction in my comfort level. I feel light and empty. When I shake my head, I can hear rattling around in there all I have left...sounds like a dried lima bean and a feather. Very little, anyway.

You guys have to check this out. I have identified it as the worst writting ever published. I mean this was printed out on newsprint for godsake!!! I'm sure people are rolling in their graves. See if you can figure out what the article is even about, much less make sense of the individual sentences. And what the fuck is with the Napolean Dynamite-esque illustration? I just don't know what to do. I am going to the worst school in the nation, apparently. Clearly this person could have gotten a better education by mail while serving time in a federal prison.

Only Me and Garth Get to Talk to the Camera.

2006-03-16T20:22:00.000-10:00

I don't have much to say...right now...what's that?

I'm Going for a Whole New Style!

2006-03-15T20:28:00.000-10:00

I have achieved a whole new level of stress that I was not aware was even possible. Just now I thought to myself "I am in heart-attack-full-stress mode." So Good or No Good? The good news is the "full" seems to imply that this is as bad as it gets. That is such a relief. Also, it is a whole new style of stress, which is refreshing in its way. New experience. You'd have thought one had to at least leave the room for new experience, but no. It's all right there waiting for you. Like a stalker.

Chris, I watched your friends' podcast. Chris, stay in school, say no to drug. And um, say no to that one guy with the asymmetic hairstyle for sure. Like, anything he asks you--the answer is no. No no no.

I am so demoralized. I need to go...place.

Pick Up the Pace

2006-03-11T12:37:00.000-10:00

I am way behind on everything, especially my work. But also just everything. Yeah, we're gonna need you to come in on Saturday, m-k? We need to kind of...play catch up. We're gonna need you to come in on Sunday too. M-k?

So I ordered my ballgown the other day. Jesus.

I have to vent here: Hazel has not only canceled being my guest to Michael's wedding, but has also moved the date of the mother fucking bachalorette party to that night. Wow. Wow.

Wow.

Fair enough, she asked my permission and got it. But it's just like Michael's deceased fiance, if she had asked me can I change photographers I would have given my permission, but it still would have been just as bad a deed to do. It's wanting to change the date that's the crime, not actually doing it. I don't care about that.

Yesterday darling Hester defended her master's thesis and we celebrated with Mojitos in Waikiki. Good times.

I am having a silent war with one of my roomates. Every morning I use my mouthwash and leave the bottle on the counter. Every morning I find it back in the cabinet. How can I escalate the combat? I want to buy like 25 bottles of mouthwash and just litter the house with them. But that would cost $100.

My new iPod is the coolest thing in the whole wide world. If you're on the fence, buy one.

As Pretty as an iPod

2006-03-03T15:06:00.000-10:00

Surely this new phrase will sweep in and trample metaphors the world over. It's so cute, it's literally precious. And so shiny. And it has a built in world clock, and solitaire. And with all Hazel and Michael's shenanigans, Chris is right. It's my new best friend. The iPod with never make me wear a blood red ballgown, or let it's fiance fire me. It's worst offence is being too interesting and therefore depriving me of sleep. It's inclined to make me rise an hour early Just like daylight savings time.

iPod comes with a game where you shoot paratroopers with a cannon...which is incredibly disturbing. But I guess it's nothing to those video games the young people play. I myself stick to Tiger Woods 2004. Did they ever come out with future editions? I'm not up on the...whatever I would have to be up on to know that.

Q: So Beth, how does it feel to spend two weeks pay on something smaller than your wallet?

A: Frighteningly easy.

Flurry of Activity

2006-03-01T16:31:00.000-10:00

I accidentally had turned on comment moderation. But I fixed it. "Change of Venue: Now with Comments! Ask your mom for some today!

I have decided to just go get my new iPod at CompUSA tonight after work, in order that I may get it faster. So I won't get laser engraving. Fine. I couldn't decide what to get on there anyway. Chris said, "Your ipod is gonna be your best friend. You want it to look good." But I think instead: "Your ipod is gonna be your temporary best friend. You want to preserve it's resale value."

If they said, "You can have one marshmallow now, with no engraving. Or you can wait ten days and have one marshmallow with engraving." What would I do? The choice is clear. I would eat the iPod right away. It looks just like a marshmallow.

Also no one would take my problem (what to write on iBestFriend's back) seriously. And we know I can't make a decision like that on my own. Plus I can always take it to a jeweler.

Devious Plans

2006-02-26T20:23:00.000-10:00

Hazel just informed me she has changed her mind on the bridesmaid dresses to one that doesn't even come in blue. This is a major shake up. I'll keep you posted. I don't trust her for a second. Complaint: she has not replied to the fact I sent her a first draft of her website, even though I sent a second email complaining about the lack of reply. Now she's calling me out of the blue for her own reason, not mentioning the other. Young Brides!!!

My trainers are missing. I would like to know what exactly I have to do to stop my uber-tidy japanese flatmates from hiding all my stuff. Bought new trainers today. I have installed a GPS and left them lying about the flat, in an attempt to locate the old trainers. But who knows that they will hide these in the same place?

Boss is gone...do I still go to work? He'd never know.

How would you rate the Harry Potter Books?